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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24661006">you make me feel special</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyn/pseuds/greyn'>greyn</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansan_sane/pseuds/sansan_sane'>sansan_sane</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Assistant Yut Lung, Fluff, Intern Sing, Journalist Ash, M/M, Mutual Pining, Photographer Okumura Eiji, im sorry. theyre exes. what can i do, kinda lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:33:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,780</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24661006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyn/pseuds/greyn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansan_sane/pseuds/sansan_sane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years ago, Ash and Eiji's relationship came to a crashing end. Now, with Ash as a journalist and Eiji as a photographer, they're put to work on a new story on local high school pole vaulters - it shouldn't be any problem, though, since they've both moved on. </p><p>Right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, background Lee Yut-Lung/Sing Soo-Ling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you make me feel special</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi everyone !!!! this is my contribution for the banana fish rbb ! i had so much fun working with the absolutely wonderful sane for this, and i can't thank them enough for all the endless support they've given me and the just !!!!!!! absolutely incredible art they have continuously done throughout the whole process and omg. i cannot stress enough even if u don't wanna read the actual fic please scroll through just so you can see all the art they did !!!! (but also pls read the fic too lol) anyway! sorry for rambling but i had such an amazing time participating in this and i can't thank my partner enough - and thank you to the coordinators for setting this up !! i'm beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to take part &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We’re picking up a new story. I want you to take the lead on this.” Max Lobo leans forward in his chair, folding his arms over his desk. “Can I trust you?” </p><p>Ash pauses. “I mean, yeah, but I’d like a few more details before I agree to anything.”</p><p>Max shrugs, in a <em> fair enough </em> kind of way, and leans back into his chair. “We’re doing a piece on local pole vaulters. It’s something new, something no one is really talking about. This could be great, you know?”</p><p>Ash curls his lip, mind briefly flashing to Eiji, but he swallows the thought and it gets crushed in his throat. “No, I don’t know. Why the hell are we doing a piece about local pole vaulters?” </p><p>Max gives Ash a disapproving look. “No one is talking about this, Ash. This is something new and exciting, and pole vaulters don’t really get a lot of attention, even though it’s actually a pretty cool sport. Come on, Ash. If anyone can make this good, it’s you.” </p><p>“With all due respect, Max,” Ash says dryly, “I don’t know anything about pole vaulting.” This isn’t technically true. In fact, Ash actually knows a decent amount about pole vaulting, but damned if he’d admit it. “And have you ever thought that maybe no one is talking about this for a reason? Who do you think is going to read an article about <em> local pole vaulters?” </em> </p><p>Max sighs and starts to shuffle through the stacks of paper on his desk. “Look, Ash, I hear what you’re saying. I had my own doubts about this, but you know I wouldn’t be giving you this job if I thought it was a waste of your time. Full disclosure, okay - a buddy of mine said his assistant is looking for some work, and he wants me to give this kid a chance. I said sure, I’ll take him for this story, and then maybe later we’ll work with him again. Have a look at these pictures, Ash.” Max slides a small stack of photos across the desk. </p><p>Ash picks up the stack and begins to flip through the photos. They’re nice, he has to admit. The subjects look like they’re flying, through the blue skies and over the striped bars, bodies twisting across the clouds. There are maybe fifteen or twenty photos in the stack, and each one more impressive than the last - there’s the back of a woman carrying a pole stretching far out of the frame, shoulders squared and skin glistening brown in the sun; there’s a face, blond hair whipped by the wind and marble-carved arms, almost a silhouette against the empty sky. </p><p>Ash’s favorite is the one of a man looking straight ahead of him, to the left of the photo. His hair is dark and he looks calm, calm in a way Ash has never really known. Thick, cotton-ball clouds threaten to swallow the blue sky behind him, but Ash has a feeling this man wouldn’t much care. </p><p>“What’s the verdict?” Max asks, snapping Ash from his stupor. </p><p>“Okay,” Ash says. “I’ll do it.” </p><p>“Glad to hear it.” Max beams. “I’ll bring in the photographer tomorrow so you two can introduce yourselves. You’ll be working together fairly closely, so I’d really like to see you two getting along well. Shouldn’t be too much of a problem, he’s a nice kid. Just try not to piss him off too much.” </p><p>Ash rolls his eyes. “Thanks, Max. I’ll do my best.”</p><p>“You’ll do your best to piss him off?” Max asks. </p><p>Ash glares. “Yes. I am going to do my best to make him hate me.”</p><p>“Please don’t,” Max begs. “He’s a good kid and I don’t want to get yelled at by Ibe.” </p><p>“Ibe?” Ash asks, and suddenly he understands. This, he thinks, has to officially be God’s Worst Prank Ever.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s my buddy’s name. He’s from Japan, brought his assistant over with him. It was supposed to be a three-week trip, but the kid liked it here so much he stayed and went to college in New York. Ibe ended up moving here for good after he met his fiancée.”</p><p><em> You have got to be kidding me. </em> Ash struggles to maintain his composure. “And what did you say the assistant’s name was?” </p><p>“Aw, shit. I never know how to pronounce it. Here, let me just write it down so I don’t embarrass myself.”</p><p>“Aren’t you going to have to say it in front of him tomorrow?” Ash asks, not ready to see the post-it note Max is scribbling on.</p><p>Max ignores him and passes him the note. </p><p>
  <em> Eiji Okumura  </em>
</p><p>Ash stares at the note for a while, his brain seemingly unwilling to process it. When he finally does, he thinks that if he let himself, he could start crying right now. </p><p>But that would be embarrassing, so he just smiles tightly at Max and says, “Great. Looking forward to meeting him tomorrow.”</p><p>“Fantastic. Now, get back to work. I’ll be here if you need me.” Max is already hunched over his desk, sorting through the stacks of paper once again.</p><p>Ash slips out of the door and somehow manages to stop himself from screaming in front of the entire office. </p><p>Jesus fucking Christ. </p><p> </p><p>
  
  
</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>After intense contemplation while lying in bed in the middle of the night, supposedly trying to fall asleep, Ash comes to the conclusion that it’s probably better that he found out about this in advance, rather than getting jump-scared at his first encounter with Eiji in three years. </p><p>This way, he can mentally prepare himself, and not completely humiliate himself in front of him. His meeting with Eiji is at 11 AM - it’s already 10 now, and he still hasn’t really started on the “mental preparation” part of things, but he’s hoping he can pull it together last minute. If all goes horribly wrong, he thinks, at least he was expecting it. </p><p>God, he’s sweating way too much. “Can we open a window in here or something?” </p><p>“Ash, come on. It’s like a hundred degrees out there. If you’re hot, opening a window is just going to make it worse,” Sing says, looking pleadingly up from his desk. </p><p>Ash glares, even though he knows Sing is right. “Can you just get me some water, then?”</p><p>Sing sighs, but pulls himself up from his desk and trudges over to the water cooler to fill up a plastic cup for Ash. Sing presses on the blue plastic tap, and Ash wanders over, impatient. </p><p>“You couldn’t have waited thirty seconds?” Sing asks, looking irritated. </p><p>
  
</p><p>“I’m thirsty,” Ash says, snatching the cup from beneath the tap once it’s full and swallowing its entire contents in less than a second. Sing watches almost fearfully as he fills the cup again, and Ash snickers. </p><p>“Finally you look at me like I’m your superior. Which I am,” Ash says. “Also, hey - did you hear we’re going to be meeting with a photographer for the new story today?” </p><p>“We’re working on a new story?” Sing asks, wrinkling his eyebrows. </p><p>“God, I forgot to tell you. You’ll never guess what it’s about,” Ash says. </p><p>“You’re right, I won’t. What’s it about?” </p><p>“We are going to be doing a story on,” Ash pauses for dramatic effect, “Local pole vaulters. Isn’t that great?” he asks drily. </p><p>Sing stares at him in disbelief. “Seriously?”</p><p>Ash nods solemnly. “Seriously.”</p><p>“But… why?”</p><p>“Max’s friend roped him into it. But hey, it’s not all bad. He showed me some of the photos from this photographer we’re gonna meet soon, and it’s really nice stuff. You can go ask Max if you wanna see some of them.” </p><p>Ash feels a little bad for being rude about the pole vaulting story, considering Eiji is obviously the reason that this is what they’re doing a story on, and Ash knows that pole-vaulting isn’t that terrible of a topic, it’s just not something people would be normally interested in. </p><p>Pole-vaulting is just kind of an uncomfortable and weirdly sensitive topic, but it’s just strange to explain that you have unpleasant memories associated with pole-vaulting because your ex-boyfriend used to pole vault. </p><p>It’s also strange to explain that the photographer you’re supposed to be meeting with in half an hour is actually the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, so he decides he will not explain it to anyone - not Max, not Sing, not anyone. He’s just going to act completely professional and hope he doesn’t do anything irreversibly stupid. </p><p>By the time 11 o’clock rolls around, Ash has gotten really fidgety, and Sing has asked him quite a few variations of, “What the hell is wrong with you?” which is both very disrespectful and also making him even more nervous. He needs to calm down. He doesn’t get this worked up over a meeting. He doesn’t. </p><p>God, his palms are soaking wet. </p><p>“Ash! They’re here,” Max calls, poking his head out of his office. </p><p>“Coming,” Ash says, and motions for Sing to follow him. They walk into Max’s office together, where Eiji is waiting next to a younger man with waist-long black hair and kind of a stuck-up air about him. Eiji’s eyes widen at the sight of Ash, but he quickly catches himself and he smiles. </p><p>No amount of mental preparation would have prepared him for this. His heart is dropping through the floor at an alarmingly fast speed. </p><p>Somehow, by some sick, twisted miracle, Eiji looks even better than he did when they last saw each other. His eyes seem brighter when he smiles and he stands differently, taller. Less like he’s being weighed down and more like he’s pushing the weight off of himself. </p><p>Fuck. Why’d he have to smile like that so early? I mean, for Christ’s sake, they haven’t even reintroduced themselves yet. Just hold off on the blinding smiles for a minute. </p><p>“Eiji, this is our resident editor, Ash Callenreese, and this is one of our summer interns, Sing Soo Ling. Ash, this is Eiji Okumura and his assistant, Lee Yut Lung.” Max butchers the pronunciation only slightly, and Ash tries to smile as he shakes Eiji and Yut Lung’s hands. His hands are sweaty, he knows, and he’d tried to wipe them on his pants, but somehow he’d managed to sweat more in the time that he wiped his hands on his pants and the time that he shook Eiji’s hand. </p><p>Eiji thankfully says nothing, but Ash sees Yut Lung curl his lip and wipe his hand off after shaking Ash’s. He flushes, embarrassed. <em> Asshole. </em></p><p>Sing looks at Ash pityingly as he shakes both Eiji’s and Yut Lung’s hands seemingly without incident. “Nice to meet you both,” Sing says with a smile, earning a nod from Yut Lung and a returning smile from Eiji. Ash can’t help but feel a little jealous.</p><p>Eiji turns to Ash, still smiling. “Very nice to see you again, Ash. I hope you have been well.”</p><p>“I have,” Ash says, which isn’t really a lie, but right now, he isn’t very well. He is very unwell. “I hope you’ve also been, um, well.”</p><p>“You know each other?” Max asks. “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?” he asks, looking accusingly at Ash.</p><p>Sing glances curiously at him. Ash ignores him and shakes his head, looking anywhere but at Eiji. “Didn’t think it was worth mentioning.” </p><p>“Oh, come on, Ash. How do you two know each other?” Max probes.</p><p>“Ash and I were going to the same college together few years ago,” Eiji says, and Ash breathes a silent sigh of relief. </p><p>“We did,” Ash agrees. “We were friends for a while, but Eiji graduated earlier than I did and we lost touch.” </p><p>“You should have told me,” Max says, looking delighted. “What a small world we live in, huh? I’m glad I was able to reunite two good friends.” Max beams.</p><p>“I am also glad,” Eiji says, also beaming. </p><p>“I’m sure you guys have a lot to talk about, and I have a lot of work to do, so I’ll just leave you to get reacquainted. Sound alright?” Max asks. </p><p>“Perfect,” Ash lies. </p><p>“Glad to hear it,” Max says, and then they are kicked out of his office.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Despite Ash’s fervent silent prayers, the awkwardness does not magically dissipate as soon as they are out in (somewhat more) open air. In fact, somehow it feels more awkward, now that it’s just the four of them left to their own devices.  </p><p>Ash hears Sing shifting uncomfortably beside him, and he feels sort of bad that the tension is so thick even Sing can feel it. He glances over at Yut Lung, wondering if he can feel it too, but he’s met with a cold glare. Ash averts his eyes. Jesus. </p><p>“So you two met in college?” Sing says, and Ash appreciates the attempt to break the silence, but he sounds so painfully awkward Ash almost wishes he hadn’t said anything at all.</p><p>Eiji nods, still smiling, but Ash can tell it’s more forced now. “Yes, Ash was always reading in the library, and I was always asking for help for my assignments. Ash knew everything, so he always gave me advice and help for my work.” Eiji smiles more genuinely now, and Ash feels himself starting to blush. “I always say to him, I would not be graduating without you.” </p><p>Yut Lung makes a noise, and Ash looks at him sharply. “What is it, Lee?”</p><p>Yut Lung meets his gaze just as sharply. He shrugs noncommittally. “Nothing, really. It’s just, you two sound like you were close, is all.”</p><p><em> Fuck. </em> It feels like there’s cement in his chest. <em> He has to know. He has to at least suspect. Fuck, this is bad.  </em></p><p>Ash breathes in, still making eye contact with Yut Lung. He wonders how hard he’ll have to stare to light Yut Lung’s stupid sweater on fire. “We were close,” Ash says, and refuses to elaborate. Continuing that sentence can only lead to further questioning, and he definitely doesn’t want that. </p><p>Eiji elbows Yut Lung. “Yue, stop that. Do not act this way.”</p><p>“Is that Eiji?” Shorter calls from the corner of the room, poking his head up above his cubicle. “Oh my god, it <em> is </em>Eiji! Ash, why didn’t you tell me he was here?” he asks gleefully, already skipping over to them. Ash breathes a silent sigh of relief - Shorter is more than capable of easing the tension. </p><p>“Shorter!” Eiji exclaims, and they hug in an almost movie-like, slow-motion sort of way, and Ash can’t help but feel a little jealous, but they both look so happy that he pushes it away. </p><p>“Have you been well, Shorter?” Eiji asks when they finally break apart. </p><p>“I’m doing my best,” Shorter says with a grin. “Of course, I wouldn’t survive the days without Ash here to keep me company,” he says, nudging Ash. Ash pastes a smile on his face, and it’s easier this time. </p><p>Ash turns to Sing to explain. “Shorter graduated from NYU in the same year as Eiji. Eiji and Shorter were already friends by the time me and Eiji started to get closer. We all became really good friends after that.” Sing nods. </p><p>“I was a little skeptical about allowing a white boy to be a part of our very exclusive clique, but he won me over in the end,” Shorter says with a wink.</p><p>“You can’t call it a clique if it was just two people,” Yut Lung interjects. </p><p>Shorter frowns. “That’s why it was so exclusive. I only allowed one person in.” </p><p>Yut Lung rolls his eyes. “I see.” </p><p>Shorter glances at Ash. <em> Can you believe this guy? </em></p><p>Ash looks back at him with a commiserating, <em> He’s the worst. </em></p><p>Yut Lung looks at both of them, scowling, and Ash smirks.</p><p>“What have you been up to, Eiji?” Shorter asks, seeming like he’s trying to get the conversation back on track.</p><p>“Ah, I have mostly been helping Ibe with his photography jobs. Recently, I have been doing my own jobs, too. I take a lot of modeling photos, but only one job here and one job there. This will be a little bit more solid for a little bit longer,” Eiji says. </p><p>Shorter claps Eiji on the back. “I’m glad we could be the ones to give you that something more solid. It’s too bad I won’t be working with you - they always want me doing this political shit.”</p><p>“You can tag along for a few of our expeditions if you have a few hours off,” Ash says to Shorter, who beams. </p><p>“I might take you up on that. What are you guys doing first?” Shorter asks. </p><p>“Ah, we have not discussed this yet,” Eiji says. </p><p>“Oh, right. Did you have anything in mind for our first trip, Eiji?” Ash asks. </p><p>“I have been thinking we can go to a local high school, maybe. A public high school, one that is not so well-known and one that is supporting pole-vaulting. Not a lot of high schools now have the right equipment for pole-vaulting,” Eiji says. </p><p>Ash nods. “Sure, sounds good. How about we do some research and then we can message each other if we find anything worth looking into? I can set up a meeting with the coach, or whoever.” </p><p>Eiji smiles. “A very good plan. I will take Yue now and we can do some research. I will let you know if I find anything.” </p><p>Ash finally lets himself smile, naturally this time. “Can’t wait. I’m looking forward to working with you, Eiji.” </p><p>“I am also looking forward to it,” Eiji says, radiating warmth. Ash thinks he might melt. “It was very nice to see you again today, Ash. I have missed you very much.” </p><p>Eiji has already turned and walked away by the time Ash manages to pick his jaw up off the floor. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Ash and Eiji’s relationship is difficult for Ash to look back on.</p><p>They’d broken up around three years ago, and Ash had no choice but to force himself to move on. He wasn’t deluded enough to believe that Eiji would suddenly realise he had made a mistake and then turn up at his doorstep one day with a bouquet of flowers to beg Ash to give their relationship a second chance. Admittedly, that had been a rather frequent fantasy of his for a while, but he didn’t think it would actually come true. </p><p>And it didn’t, so he moved on. In the three years that had elapsed since Eiji, Ash had dated four people. He supposes it would all be very romantic to say that none of them had mattered to him because he knew his heart really belonged to Eiji, or some crap like that, but the truth is that three years could be a long time, and in those years he had found comfort and care, and even  something close to love. </p><p>But relationships, as Ash has discovered many times now, are sometimes simply not destined to be. </p><p>Something about his and Eiji’s relationship had left a particularly strong impression, though. </p><p>They didn’t fight, Ash remembers. Not in the traditional sense, at least, but there were definitely low points, and they usually went the same.</p><p>Eiji would cry, and Ash would ask what was wrong. Eiji would never tell him. And it was hard for Ash to see him like that, so he would cry, too, and then Eiji would just leave. </p><p>Ash had never really gotten much explanation for these times, but he’d known that Eiji’s mental health struggled sometimes, so he’d tried to chalk it up to that, but he’d always been left hurt and confused after their pseudo-fights, and they never talked about it. Eiji would just continue the next day like nothing had happened, and Ash was too desperate to keep Eiji that he would allow these moments to fester and rip, trying to plaster the gaping wound with a bandaid covered in yellow smiley faces. </p><p>The last time this happened was different. This time, they fought, and Ash thinks that it may have been the most Eiji had expressed his true feelings through the entirety of their relationship, and in hindsight, Ash can understand better that their relationship was doomed for collapse. </p><p>It was dark when Ash walked in the last time, and this was already a bad sign. It was only 8 pm; the sun hadn’t even fully set, but Eiji was there, curled in a stained loveseat, back towards the door. Ash felt his stomach drop when he saw Eiji, his shoulders shaking. </p><p>Eiji turned when Ash walked into the dorm, cheeks wet and mouth open in surprise. “Ash, it is not a good time. Please leave me alone.”</p><p>Ash stood at the door, helpless. “Will you please at least tell me what’s wrong?” </p><p>“No,” Eiji said angrily, glaring, and Ash flinched.</p><p>“Why?” Ash asked, because he couldn’t go, he couldn’t, why couldn’t they just talk about this? Why wouldn’t Eiji let him make this better?</p><p>Eiji’s glare softened, and he was silent for a moment before he sighed. “I do not know how to talk about this, Ash.”</p><p>Ash didn’t know what the right thing to say in this situation was. “You’ve never tried, Eiji. You never talk to me about things like this.” He didn’t want to blame Eiji, he really didn’t, but so often he was left hurt and plagued with guilt and helplessness, and there was nothing he could do to make it go away. </p><p>“I cannot place my issues on your shoulders, Ash. I would like it if you please just leave me alone and I can deal with them myself.” Eiji faced away from him. </p><p>Ash started to feel the beginnings of anger rush to his head, but it was wrapped in layers of despair. “Why can’t you trust me? Why can’t you just let me shoulder some of your pain? We’ve been dating for almost a year, Eiji, what is so wrong with me that you can’t trust me to take care of you when you’re like this?” </p><p>Eiji turned his head to face Ash, face lined with irritation. “Ash, it is not that I do not trust you. There are things that you do not need to know, for your own sake. Why can you not trust me when I tell you that there is nothing you can do to help me?”</p><p>“Because I know that’s not true!” Ash burst, and Eiji’s eyes narrowed. “You keep treating me like some kid that can’t handle your problems! Why is it such a bad thing to confide in your partner about things that are hurting you?”</p><p>“Ash, I am not treating you like a child! I am not telling you about my problems because you do not need more problems on top of your own!” Eiji yelled, and Ash was shocked into silence, because Eiji never yelled. </p><p>“You think I can’t handle your problems?” Ash asked quietly. </p><p>Eiji let out a frustrated sigh. “Ash, you cannot even handle your own problems. How can I expect you to be able to help me with my own?” </p><p>Ash said nothing.</p><p>Eiji sighed again, more sadly. “Ash, I am sorry. I am sorry to keep doing this, but this is difficult for me. You think the solution is easy, that if I tell you what is wrong that everything will go away, but telling you the truth would only allow you to have the knowledge. There is nothing you can do that will make this better.” </p><p>“Am I making it worse?” Ash asked, and he was afraid to hear the answer. </p><p>Eiji was quiet for a minute. “I think you are. You are not doing it on purpose, Ash, but I think that you are making it worse.” Eiji looked up at him, and his eyes were so full of sadness that Ash started to cry, because it hurt, it hurt, how could he have been hurting Eiji all this time and not even know he was doing it? How could he be doing this to someone he loved? </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ash said, and he knew what he was sorry for. He didn’t know what he did, but he knew he was hurting Eiji, and he was sorry, he was so sorry for not realising sooner. </p><p>“I am sorry, too,” Eiji said. “I do not think we can carry on in this way. I do not think we should carry on at all, Ash. You expect too much of me, and I am not enough to give you the things you expect. I am only half the person you think that I am, Ash. I am not what you need.”</p><p>“No,” Ash said, and he started to cry harder when he realised what was happening. “No, you’re enough. I don’t expect anything from you, Eiji. Please, please don’t make me go. Please.”</p><p>“But that is not true, Ash. You expect me to be the answer. You expect me to save you, and fix everything that is broken. I do not know how you have not realised yet that I am too broken to fix you. Two broken plates do not make one perfect plate. We cannot go on this way, Ash. I am sorry.” Eiji’s voice was thick and tears started to roll down his cheeks and Ash had thought that his heart couldn’t hurt anymore than it already had but it did it did it did. </p><p>Ash sunk to the floor. “We can be better,” he pleaded, but he knew Eiji was right. Subconsciously, he had expected Eiji to be the solution to all his problems. Eiji could make the pain of having Jim as a father go away, he could make all the constant self-doubt and self-hatred go away. Ash had thought that Eiji could be the answer, and he wasn’t. And Ash realises that at the heart of everything wasn’t the fact that they were both in pain, but the fact that he chose to look away from Eiji’s pain and place the weight of his own on Eiji’s shoulders. </p><p>And that was where their relationship had shattered. </p><p>“No,” Eiji said, and he turned away from Ash. “I love you, Ash, but this love cannot save us. I think we should end our relationship before things become worse for us both.” </p><p>Ash stood and walked over to the loveseat where Eiji’s arms cradled his knees. Ash sunk to his knees beside him, and his tears dripped onto Eiji’s sweater. </p><p>“Please, let me kiss you one more time,” Ash pleaded. </p><p>Eiji looked up at him, searching. After a moment, he nodded. “Okay,” he whispered.</p><p>Ash’s hands cupped Eiji’s cheeks, and they kissed for the last time. </p><p>It was wet and saline, and it was less of a kiss than a plea to not be forgotten. Ash couldn’t tell if it was Eiji’s tears he tasted or his, and he thought that perhaps it didn’t really matter right now. Eiji’s lips were bittersweet and Ash breathed him in, he smelled like the ocean and his skin felt slick, and Ash would miss this, Jesus Christ, he would miss this. </p><p>And then they broke apart, and Ash left.</p><p>It’s easy to imagine why it might be a difficult relationship for Ash to think about. It’s also easy to imagine that Ash is not one hundred percent over it. </p><p>Of course, it would just be imagining. </p><p>As a hypothetical situation.</p><p>Of course. </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>They decide to meet a few days later at the entrance of the Metropolitan High School in the Bronx. The campus doesn’t seem so much out of the ordinary, but Ash supposes that’s why Eiji chose it. Something about finding extraordinary talent in ordinary places. It’s a little cheesy, but he trusts Eiji’s intuition. </p><p>Ash had set up a meeting with the coach beforehand just to ask some preliminary questions before they began the actual interviews, scheduled for noon, and it’s 11:50 now, but Ash breaks into a jog when he sees Eiji already waiting with Yut Lung by the entrance. </p><p>Sing has to run to catch up with Ash. “Why are we running?” he pants. “We have plenty of time ‘til the meeting’s supposed to start.”</p><p>“We’re not running,” Ash says. “I just didn’t want to keep Eiji and Yut Lung waiting.” </p><p>“It would’ve been like ten more seconds,” Sing grumbles. Ash jogs faster, and Sing curses behind him.</p><p>“Ash! Sing!” Eiji waves. “You are early!”</p><p>“So are you,” Ash says, trying to subtly gasp for breath, but he finds there isn’t really a way to do that.</p><p>“We did not want to get lost on the way and be late, so we made sure to leave early,” Eiji says, smiling sheepishly. </p><p>“We still did get lost,” Yut Lung admits, and Ash hears Sing laugh behind him. “Just not horribly lost. Mildly lost, maybe.”</p><p>“We always get lost when we are together,” Eiji says with a grin. </p><p>“It’s a curse,” Yut Lung sighs. “Shall we get going then? I’m sure we can find our way to this guy’s office, right?” </p><p>Eiji looks at him doubtfully, and Ash can’t help but smile a little.</p><p>“I have faith in us,” Ash says, and they walk into the building together. </p><p>It looks… like a high school, with its locker walls and grey concrete, and Ash isn’t really sure what he’d been expecting, but he supposes he’d assumed that in the 8 or so years since he’d been a high school student, high schools would have all collectively have done extensive renovations and maybe looked a little more… technological, or something, but it seems like nothing has really changed.</p><p>“He said in his email that his office is room 126,” Ash says. “So just keep an eye out for that.”</p><p>“Why do they label their rooms like that?” Sing asks. “I mean, there can’t be a hundred twenty six rooms in this school. It’s not that big.”</p><p>Yut Lung snorts. “Are you being serious?” </p><p>“Uh… yeah?” Sing says, suddenly looking unsure. </p><p>“There aren’t one hundred twenty-six rooms in the school. The first number just tells you what floor the room is on,” Yut Lung says, with a pompousness that kind of grates on Ash’s nerves. Yes, that was kind of a stupid thing for Sing to say, but did this guy really have to sound so full of himself because he knew that and Sing didn’t?</p><p>“Oh,” Sing says, sounding embarrassed. Ash almost feels bad for him, but this is really just more fuel for his “Yut Lung Sucks” fire. </p><p>“Here!” Eiji says, pointing to the door to his left, and they gather around it as Eiji knocks on the door. </p><p>A voice on the other side of the door calls, “Come in!” and then they all shuffle inside, coming face to face with an unreasonably large man with an unreasonably large grin. “So you guys are the journalists?” They nod, and he grins even larger. “Coach James Cook. Great to meet you all,” he says warmly, holding out his hand. </p><p>Ash takes it, offering a smile in return. “Ash Callenreese. Pleasure to meet you.”</p><p>He shakes each of their hands, receiving names and a greeting from them all, and says, “Please, have a seat,” which they do. </p><p>“So, you wanted to ask me a few questions about my pole vaulters?” he asks. </p><p>“Yes,” Eiji nods. “We are hoping we can interview some of your most interesting pole vaulters for a new story we are working on.” </p><p>“Some of my most interesting pole vaulters?” Cook asks, eyebrows raised. “Interesting how?” </p><p>“Just anyone that really stands out to you,” Ash says. “Not necessarily talent-wise.” </p><p>“Hm,” Cook says, leaning back in his chair. “Someone that stands out to me… well, there aren’t exactly a lot of kids to choose from, but I’d say this one kid, Josh - he’s something special. You should definitely talk to him.” </p><p>“We would be very happy to,” Eiji says, beaming. </p><p>“Can we get his contact details? We’d CC you through all our correspondences, and any interviews we would potentially conduct would take place on campus. Is that okay with you?” </p><p>“Sounds awesome,” Cook says. “Can I ask what kind of story you’re working on? I know you said it was something about high school pole vaulters, but I was just wondering what you were specifically writing about.” </p><p>“Of course,” Ash says. “We’re doing a piece on local pole vaulters and all of the risks and rewards that come with pole vaulting. It’s not a very popular sport, but Eiji here used to be an incredible pole vaulter, and he takes some great photos, so it’ll definitely lend a new perspective to it.” </p><p>“That is kind of you to say, Ash, but you are forgetting to mention that you are a very talented writer. He will make this story amazing.” Eiji says to Cook, eyes sparkling. Ash feels himself start to blush. Yut Lung clears his throat, and the red floods into Ash’s face even quicker. </p><p>“Great! I’m sure Josh would be happy to talk to you guys,” Cook says. </p><p>“Glad to hear that,” Ash says with a smile. “Well, that’s about all we needed, so we won’t take up any more of your time. Thank you so much for meeting with us and we hope to be in touch soon.” </p><p>He stands up, and Sing, Eiji and Yut Lung do the same. </p><p>“It was a pleasure meeting you all,” Cook says. “I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again soon.” </p><p>They shake hands again, and their first sort-of-interview is over without any major incidents. </p><p>Ash considers this a success.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>It’s after-hours.</p><p>He’s waiting for Eiji. It’s not really that late yet, just around half-past five, so there are still a few people working overtime, but almost everyone has gone by now. </p><p>He’s supposed to be meeting Eiji to talk about the story a bit more, and apparently Eiji’s got a really busy schedule, so he’s had to just lag behind for a while. Which is fine, really, there’s nothing really waiting for him at his apartment, but now he just has more time to stew in his own nervousness. </p><p>They’d decided to forego the assistant/intern combination this time, in the interest of not taking up any more of their time than necessary, but now Ash feels strangely bereft, like he’s lost his reinforcement. Not that Sing was incredibly useful as reinforcement, especially considering he has no knowledge of his and Eiji’s history, but it felt like silent, if non-consensual, moral support. </p><p>But he’s on his own now, and god, he’s really starting to get antsy. Didn’t Eiji say 5:30? It’s 5:32. Eiji isn’t usually late, even if it’s just by a few minutes. </p><p>As if on cue, Eiji stumbles in, breathing hard and hair plastered to his forehead. “I am so sorry I am late!” Eiji exclaims, looking embarrassed. “I did not remember the way to your building.”</p><p>Ash snickers, relaxing. This is fine. Things are going to be fine. “Don’t worry about it. Let me take you into my office,” Ash says facetiously, leading Eiji into his cubicle. </p><p>“What a nice office you have,” Eiji says, grinning. “Very nice walls.” </p><p>“Why, thank you. I think so too. Here, I’ll grab you a seat,” he says, and does so. </p><p>As Eiji settles in the chair, Ash clears his throat and says, “So I just wanted to talk about what exactly you were looking for with this story. I mean, I know we talked about general ideas and stuff, but I was thinking more like structure, tone, that sort of thing? Honestly, I’m surprised we didn’t discuss this earlier, but I guess we have a tendency to move quickly, huh?”  The last part slips out completely unintentionally, and suddenly Ash begins to silently pray for a very quick and painless death. </p><p>After an excruciatingly long (three second) silence, in which a quick and painless death, to Ash’s dismay, does not seem forthcoming, Eiji says, “Ah, I… well, please let me say something before you interrupt me.” Ash closes his mouth, because he was going to interrupt him, but now, he supposes, that is no longer an option. “Ash, I know it is probably weird for you to work together with me because of our, ah, shared past. It is honestly weird for me, too, but I know that we can become friends quickly and move beyond this so that we can work together professionally in a way that can really bring this story to life. I would very much like it if we can put our previous relationship out of our minds for now so that we can focus on this. Is that sounding okay to you?”</p><p>Ash’s heart has sunken somewhere low in his chest, probably far lower than is normal, but he swallows and forces himself to nod.</p><p>“I agree. I hope we can be a little more comfortable around each other soon, and honestly, part of the reason why I wanted to have this meeting was so that we’d be able to get to that level sooner. I’m glad we managed to discuss this so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.” Ash knows that the last part wasn’t entirely true, at least on his side, because he thinks he might not ever get over the way he feels right before he’s about to see Eiji, the way his throat constricts and his palms feel warmer than usual, and the way he just can’t seem to think about anything else. </p><p>Which isn’t really normal, he’s well aware, but he’s more than happy to avoid thinking about the implications of <em> that. </em></p><p>Eiji beams. “Very good. Okay, back to work. You were asking about structure and tone?” He looks inquiringly at Ash, and once he receives an affirming nod, Eiji continues: “We have already talked about including things such as risks and rewards of pole vaulting, and interviewing our locals, but I was also imagining that we would interview multiple pole vaulters from multiple high schools and write about their personal experience with pole vaulting, and then when you begin to write the story you can put a spotlight on each of them, so that we would not just be adding in a quote here or there.” </p><p>Ash is very taken with the idea. “Like character profiles.”</p><p>Eiji nods enthusiastically. “Yes, exactly like that! And for tone, ah… I do not want to make it sound… what is the word? Like cheese?” He looks at Ash, half questioning, half pleading, and Ash snickers. </p><p>“Cheesy,” Ash supplies.</p><p>“Yes!” Eiji smiles. “Cheesy. I do not want it to sound cheesy, but I would like something maybe… lifting you up? Or perhaps even something that will just make people curious to know more about pole vaulting. That is all I want, I think.”</p><p>“I can do that,” Ash says. “I can definitely do that. I think this could be really good. We’ve just gotta find some really interesting people to interview, which shouldn’t be too difficult considering we’re in New York. And with your photos in the article, people are going to love it even if whatever I write is deeply and irreversibly offensive.”</p><p>Eiji laughs, and in the near-empty office, it feels like it fills the room (and, strangely enough, Ash’s lungs). “I am not so sure about that, but I appreciate the compliment. I also think very highly of your own work, although I do not doubt that you are able to write something ‘deeply and irreversibly offensive’.”</p><p>Ash grins at Eiji. Yeah, this isn’t so bad. He could get used to this, he thinks. </p><p>But he definitely, definitely shouldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>They meet back at the Metropolitan High School the next day in the afternoon, assistant and intern in tow. Sing seemed nervous to meet their interviewee, which privately, Ash had thought was a little endearing. Ash isn’t feeling quite so nervous this time, but he feels something buzzing beneath his skin. Something closer to excitement, maybe, but in all honesty, that isn’t really much to do with the boy they’re interviewing. </p><p>Ash feels a lot better about the prospect of spending extended amounts of time with Eiji, now, but the chance of him doing or saying something he really, really shouldn’t is still very present in his mind, so he really can’t be too careful. </p><p>Introductions are always just slightly panic-inducing for Ash - not because he doesn’t know how to talk to people, or anything like that, but introductions can really make or break an interview. All that crap about first impressions being key is definitely, definitely true. The difference between engaging and animated responses and flat, <em> I don’t give a shit about you and honestly I wish you’d just leave already </em> answers could, and often does, lie in the way that he introduces himself. </p><p>After dozens of interviews, Ash thinks he’s got the technique down to a tee, but sometimes a shitty mood gets the best of him and the shitty mood turns into a shitty interview. He’s not in a shitty mood today, though, so he should be fine. Probably. </p><p>“Josh, I’d like you to meet Ash and Eiji,” Cook says to a tall, lean, and muscled boy (presumably Josh) with brown skin and a wide smile, “Ash is the journalist from Metro New York I told you about, and Eiji here is the photographer.”</p><p>Ash and Eiji offer Josh matching smiles, and Josh’s own only broadens. Ash can feel himself starting to relax; his smile seems genuine and carefree. Ash sticks out his hand, and Josh shakes it, his grip firm. “Josh Davis,” he says, his eyes twinkling. “Really nice to meet you.”</p><p>“Great to meet you, too,” Ash says, finding that his <em> charm the interviewee </em> smile comes much more naturally this time. </p><p>Josh turns to Eiji, who seems to be similarly warming to him, and shakes his hand with a smile and another, “Really nice to meet you.”</p><p>“This is Sing, Ash’s intern, and Yut Lung, Eiji’s assistant,” Cook says to Josh. Ash feels Sing perk up beside him, and more greetings are exchanged. Once they’re finished, Ash decides to take the lead and turns to Josh and the coach. “Are you okay with us conducting the interview in your office? Is there anywhere you’d both be more comfortable?” </p><p>“Maybe we could just go out onto the pitch. I don’t think this office was meant to comfortably fit six people,” the coach says with a grin. </p><p>Josh nods, and they file out of the office and onto the pitch, where a bright blue pole vaulting pit lays in between the runner’s track circling the edge of the field. They sit down on the bleachers, and they’re positioned a little uncomfortably, but Ash tries to ignore that.</p><p>“Sorry to have pulled you out of class for this,” Ash says lightheartedly, knowing Josh likely isn’t too torn up about it. </p><p>Josh grins. “You don’t need to apologise. If anything, you’re doing me a favor - I got an excuse to skip bio, and this is going to look great on my college applications.” Cook nudges him, and Josh startles. “Oh, um. I’m also more than happy to contribute to the noble art of journalism.”</p><p>Ash smiles, amused, and hears Sing snicker behind him. “Your contribution is greatly appreciated,” he says seriously. “Do you mind if I record this?” </p><p>Josh shakes his head. “No, go ahead.” </p><p>Ash pulls out his work phone and starts to record. “Okay, why don’t we start just by covering the basics? What grade you’re in, how long you’ve been pole vaulting, maybe what other hobbies you have, stuff like that.” </p><p>“Well, I’m a junior, and I’ve been pole vaulting since seventh grade, so I guess that would make it almost five years now?” Ash nods, and looks at him expectantly. “And, um, I don’t know about other hobbies? I like to paint sometimes,” he says, a little awkwardly. </p><p>“An artist and a pole vaulter? Sounds like a cool combination to me,” Ash says approvingly, and Josh seems to relax. “So, let’s actually talk pole vaulting. Why did you first decide to start?”</p><p>“Oh,” Josh says, like he hadn’t been expecting the question. “Well, I actually used to run track in middle school, before I started pole vaulting, which I didn’t really mind, but I wasn’t, like, in love with it, you know? And I’d run around the pitch most days after school, and then I’d see some of the older kids pole vaulting over in the middle of the field, and it just looked so insane to me. One minute they were on the ground, and the next they were like ten feet above ground. And I just sort of thought I could never do it, but then one day I guess Coach here got tired of me staring and offered to let me try with one of the shorter poles. Obviously I said yes, and I gave it a shot and totally failed, but for the two seconds that I didn’t, that I was just in the air - it was crazy. This is gonna sound kind of cheesy, but for two seconds it felt like time just stopped. Like it would wait for me to fall. And then when I did fall, it was almost nice, like I was being carried down. I was totally hooked after that, and signed up full time a few weeks later. So, yeah, that’s how I got started.”</p><p>Ash grins. “Great, that was awesome to hear. Would you say that was your best memory of pole vaulting, or is there anything else that really sticks out to you?” </p><p>Josh thinks for a moment. “No, I don’t think the first time was my best memory, really. It was kind of like, panic-inducing. When I first got off the ground, I just didn’t know what to do with my body, so I sort of just flailed before I peaked and started to fall, which was the amazing part about it, but I definitely wouldn’t say that was my best. My best memory was probably when I cleared 10 feet, around a year after I’d started. Clearing ten feet had been my goal ever since I started, and when I finally managed it, I could feel how much progress I’d made - the difference between my first jump and that jump felt unbelievable to me. I felt so in control, and once I’d cleared the bar it felt like the best high ever. Um, not that I’ve had any other highs,” he says with a cough, and Ash suppresses a smile. “But, yeah. I think that would be my best memory pole vaulting.” Josh giggles a little nervously. “Sorry if my answers are bad. I feel really weird just talking with no one to interrupt me.” </p><p>“No, no!” Ash rushes, endeared. “This is all perfect. Seriously, thank you so much for agreeing to do this, this is going to add a lot of life to the piece.”</p><p>“You’re very welcome,” Josh says, looking pleased.</p><p>Ash smiles, thrilled with how well the interview is going, and keeps going. “So, do you have a personal goal?”</p><p>“Um, yeah, actually,” Josh says, looking almost embarrassed. “I’m hoping one day I can jump 20 feet.” </p><p>Ash hears Eiji exhale suddenly behind him, and he turns around to a quickly pinking Eiji, who looks frantically apologetic.</p><p>“Ah, sorry! I did not mean to interrupt. Please, continue,” Eiji says quickly, but seems to pause as if he’s trying to decide whether to say something or not, and then suddenly decides to just say it. “I just, 20 feet is so high! Can I ask how high you can jump right now?”</p><p>Josh turns his attention to Eiji, looking curious. “I can jump 16 feet right now. Do you vault?”</p><p>“Ah, no, not now. I used to when I was as old as you, but I injured myself very badly, and I could not keep vaulting after that,” Eiji says, and Ash can tell he’s trying to keep his voice light, but something sadder edges beneath it. </p><p>Josh’s face falls. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. That blows serious chunks. Did you try to get back into it once you were healed, or did you just decide to give up after you got injured?”</p><p>“Once I was healed I tried to start vaulting again. I missed the feeling of being in the air, I missed feeling like I had the whole world beneath me. But so much of my progress had been destroyed by my injury. I was able to vault 17 feet before I was injured, and it took me almost one year to heal. By the time I returned, I could only vault 12 feet, and I could no longer make a lot of progress. I could not clear any higher heights even after many weeks of training, and the doctor was very scared of my injury reoccurring, so I had to give up completely.” Ash has heard this story before, but the genuinely devastated look on Josh’s face makes it a thousand times worse. </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Eiji. That must have been the worst few months of your life. How did you move on from that?” Josh asks, mournful. </p><p>Eiji smiles sadly, and absently Ash thinks that somehow they’ve turned to interviewing Eiji, but he stays quiet, because really, he doesn’t mind. “I came to America with a photographer as his assistant, and I took photographs. Taking photographs was a new source of love, and now I can live my pole vaulting days again by taking photographs of you.” </p><p>Josh returns the sad smile, but with a little more hope. “I’m more than happy to be your subject. I hope you can fly again one day, Eiji.” </p><p>Eiji looks like he’s trying not to cry, which makes Ash want to cry, too, but also makes him really anxious, because Sing, Yut Lung, and the coach are still watching this, and this really wasn’t how he was expecting the interview to go. </p><p>Eiji inhales, and Ash is relieved to hear that it’s less shaky than he had expected it to be. “Thank you, Josh. Ah, Ash, I am so sorry I ruined your interview! Please, continue like that did not happen.” </p><p>Ash offers Eiji a compassionate smile, and turns back to Josh. “Ready for another question?” </p><p>He nods. </p><p>“How far are you planning on going with pole vaulting? Do you envision yourself competing in any major vaulting events when you’re older?”</p><p>“Honestly, I’d like to go all the way to the Olympics, if I can. I’m happy to compete in state or even national competitions, but I’d say the Olympics are my final goal.” </p><p>“He’ll definitely make it,” the coach says, pride clear in his voice. “This kid is the best around for miles, and his progress is the quickest of anyone I’ve seen. ‘Course, he’ll need a better coach than me to get him there, but I’ll just consider myself lucky I was the first person who ever gave him a real chance to vault.” </p><p>“Aw, shucks,” Josh says, and he rolls his eyes, but Ash can tell they’re fond of each other. </p><p>“You seem like a great kid,” Ash says, and stops recording. “I think that should be enough for now. We’ll have Eiji take some photos of you, if that’s okay, and then that should be it. Thanks so much for your answers - they were really interesting to hear,” Ash enthuses, and Josh glows. </p><p>“Sounds good,” he says, and he, Eiji, and Yut Lung walk over to the pole vaulting pit, camera equipment in tow. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Ash isn’t planning to go nearer to watch Eiji take photos of Josh. That’s a little unnecessary, right? Why would he need to come closer when he can just watch from where he is on the bleachers? </p><p>When Sing stands up next to him, though, and says, “I’m gonna go closer so I can see how Josh can pole vault so high,” Ash, without realising it, finds himself nodding and standing up to follow him over. He’s a little far sighted, he justifies to himself. He’ll be able to see better if he walks closer. </p><p>When he walks over, Eiji is setting up his camera on the tripod, angling it so it’s aimed at the sky, where the bar is positioned, a silhouette against the blue sky. Yut Lung stands behind him, holding the unused camera equipment and watching Eiji closely. Josh is standing at the end of the runway, pole resting on his right shoulder and right hand curled loosely around it, waiting patiently as Eiji leans down to look through the camera after every adjustment. After a few moments, Eiji seems to decide that he’s found the right angle and stands up to give Josh a smile and a thumbs up. “You can go now, Josh! It might not be perfect on the first time, so I hope you are okay with jumping many times!” Eiji calls, sounding apologetic. </p><p>“No problem!” Josh calls, and starts to run. Ash is standing a few feet away from both Eiji and the jumping pit, positioned so that he can see both Eiji and have a clear view of Josh’s jump, but now his attention is torn between Eiji and Josh, and his glance jumps between them both until he can’t handle it anymore and forces himself to settle on Josh, who’s placed his pole on the ground and it’s starting to bend. Ash watches, suddenly enraptured, and Josh starts to lift off the ground, feet angled towards the sky, and then he twists and he curves over the pole so gracefully, and Ash thinks for a second that he looks like he’s flying. He hears the camera shutter clicking, and then Josh lands in the pit with a soft thud. Eiji stands up straight, beaming so hard Ash thinks he might melt, and calls to Josh, “That was so amazing! I think I have taken some good photos from that, but maybe you can jump several more times so I can take some more!” </p><p>Josh nods and starts to jog back to the end of the runway. Eiji looks over at Ash, and <em> fuck</em>, he is so royally screwed, because Eiji is kind of looking at him like he’s never been happier, and Ash knows that it’s not because of him, he knows that, but for a second he’d believed that it was, and his breath had gotten caught in his throat and his cheeks felt like they were glowing and <em> fuck, </em> this is bad. </p><p>Ash is a lot of things, he thinks, but stupid isn’t one of them. Although he considers himself an expert in the art of ignoring and denying his own feelings, this - well, this is pretty undeniable evidence. </p><p>Ash is still unbelievably whipped for Eiji. And this is something of a horrible realisation to come to, for a number of reasons, the main reasons being that they’ve been broken up for <em> three whole years</em>, and also the extremely important fact that <em> Eiji broke up with him</em>. Not the other way around. </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>So what is he supposed to do about this? How is he supposed to hope that Eiji has suddenly developed feelings for him again after he was the one who decided to end the relationship in the first place? </p><p>Ash supposes that the answer is that he can’t. Or he can’t let himself, at least - whether he actually will or not depends entirely on his own self-restraint, which, to be quite honest, he doesn’t have very much of. </p><p>He watches Eiji lean over the camera, and it kind of hurts how much he wishes things could have turned out differently, how much he wishes he could have been right for him, and how much he wishes he could have just controlled himself and his own feelings until this story was over and he’d never have to be constantly in contact with him ever again. Probably.</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>And Ash keeps watching and his heart keeps aching, even when Eiji gives Josh and thumbs up and says all good, he has enough pictures, even when he packs up his things and they bid farewell to Josh and the coach, even when they part ways, and even when Ash sinks into his bed and closes his eyes. </p><p>It kind of hurts, but he thinks that the only thing he can do is get through this story and hope he gets over it soon. </p><p>Unlikely, he thinks, but he tries to bury that thought with dreams of things that aren’t Eiji. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He dreams of Eiji. </p><p>Something about the dream is lighter, liquid. Ash thinks it may be something close to a memory but he can’t really place his thoughts, they feel like they’re being soaked up by the edges of the dream. </p><p>It’s him and Eiji in the NYU library, but it doesn’t really look like the NYU library. The ceiling is full of angels and the sky, and the books piled around them are filled with blank pages, as if the ink has bled through the pages and into Eiji’s hair, which Ash thinks might be the darkest thing he’s ever seen. </p><p>It feels a little like heaven; Eiji is smiling at him like he’s a mirage in a desert that he hasn’t realised isn’t real yet, and Ash takes his hand and Eiji’s hand melts into his skin and Ash likes how their skin feels blended together. </p><p>Eiji says something but Ash can’t hear him, his mouth is moving but Ash thinks the sound may have turned to wind, so he says, <em> What? What? Eiji, say it again. Say it again.  </em></p><p>Eiji says it again and this time Ash can hear him clearly. <em> Are you afraid of me?  </em></p><p>
  <em> Why would I be afraid of you? </em>
</p><p><em> I don’t know, </em>Eiji says, but his eyes look like they’re rolling far back into their sockets, and Ash feels his skin pressed against Eiji and suddenly he’s inside Eiji’s skin, he can see the inside of his body. It looks like it’s rotting but it smells sweet, like perfume. It feels cavernous, oppressive in its enormity, and then his body curls and he starts to spin and spin and spin and he is tumbling off of Eiji’s tongue and suddenly they are underneath a waterfall, in the space between the flow of water and the damp granite walls, and they are floating, unmoving, as if it takes no effort at all. </p><p><em> Are you afraid of me? </em>Eiji asks again, and his eyes expand with stars but it’s too bright and it burns Ash’s skin. </p><p>
  <em> Sometimes.  </em>
</p><p>Eiji’s eyes shrink. <em> Why? </em></p><p>
  <em> You’ll burn me. </em>
</p><p>Ash starts to drown. </p><p>
  <em> Are you afraid of me?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Ash gasps awake, sweat clinging to his skin. </p><p>
  <em> Are you afraid of me? </em>
</p><p>Ash silently curses his subconscious. That was way more ominous of a dream than the situation called for. That dream would have been appropriate if he was in some sort of weird parallel universe where he would die without Eiji, but not in <em> this </em> universe, where Eiji is just a relationship that ended a long time ago, and Eiji is just going to be out of his life soon, anyway. </p><p>His chest feels empty, and, unbidden, a thought springs into his mind. <em> If you could do it over again, what would you do differently? </em></p><p>He’d do it all differently. </p><p>The first time they kissed was months and months after Ash had realised he had a huge crush on Eiji, in between bookshelves. Eiji had gathered Ash’s face between his hands and asked if he could please kiss him, and Ash had said yes, kiss me, and Ash had fallen into the kiss and he’d fallen in love again and again with each day that passed, and he’d noticed things were bad sometimes but Ash had always been good at hoping things would just go away on their own. </p><p>If he could do things differently, Ash would kiss Eiji first. He would admit everything, tell Eiji his secrets like it was easy, tell him he loved him and tell him his eyes were the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. </p><p>Ash would make him laugh for a little longer, he would buy Eiji hot dogs and ice cream and go for walks on the beach with him. He would hold his hand in public like he wasn’t afraid. He would tell his dad that he didn’t care about his opinion anymore. Eiji would be upset that Ash wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with his father but Ash knows that he would have been happier knowing Ash was free, that there was nothing in their way. </p><p>And Ash would stop expecting things that could never happen. He would go back to every fight they had and make himself say sorry before they even began. </p><p>Because now Ash can see that out of the dozens of arguments they had, he had only been right a few times. He can see everything clearer now, but the problem with hindsight is that all it does is make you wish for the untouchable, the intangible. It makes you wish for a past that can never exist. </p><p>So isn’t he more right in thinking that a softer, better future with Eiji is more real than a softer, better past? </p><p>He wishes he could believe it, but when he picks flower petals off daisies in the ground all he says is, <em> He loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not. </em></p><p>And he thinks there simply aren’t enough daisies in the world to turn back time, or make things softer, or to say, <em> He loves me. </em></p><p>
  <em> Are you afraid of me? </em>
</p><p>Yes. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Their second interview is with a girl named Leila, and it goes almost as well as the first. She’s a bit on the shyer side, and Ash notices she blushes a lot and can’t really bring herself to make eye contact with him, but he gets some really great answers, despite some initial stuttering and stumbling, so he won’t complain. </p><p>She visibly relaxes when she goes over to the pole vaulting pit with Eiji, and at first Ash almost feels hurt - is he really that intimidating? But he spends a little time staring at Eiji’s easy-going smile and bright way of speaking, and he understands. Something about being around Eiji, he thinks, makes everything feel a little easier. </p><p>By the looks of it, Eiji has taken some really great photos today - by the time they’ve said goodbye to Leila and her coach, Eiji is glowing with pride.</p><p>Just as they begin to part ways, Eiji says, “Everyone, we have been working very hard on this story and I am really happy with the amazing things we have gotten out of today’s interview. Maybe we can go to a bar to have a drink and celebrate, later?” </p><p>Ash’s eyebrows shoot up. Eiji never really seemed to like going to bars whenever Ash had tried to take him to a few back in college, and it seems unlikely that he’d suddenly developed a liking for them in the three years they hadn’t seen each other, but he says, “Sure, let’s do it. Are you and Yut Lung coming, too?” he asks Sing. </p><p>Sing looks at Yut Lung, and they seem to come to some sort of telepathic consensus that yes, they will be joining them, and Ash raises his eyebrows. How much had he missed in his panic over Eiji? Sing and Yut Lung have clearly become friends without him even really noticing. </p><p>“Sure, sounds good,” Sing says. </p><p>Sounds like a plan. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>They meet at a small, cozy kind of bar in downtown Manhattan, where the lights are warm and the booths are crushed tightly together, but Eiji manages to find them a free one, and he settles into the plush seat.</p><p>Sing waits for everyone to sit down, and then he says, “First round’s on me, guys. What do you guys want?”</p><p>Yut Lung stands up. “I’ll just come with you. Wouldn’t want you to mess up my order, or anything,” he says, smirking. </p><p>Sing rolls his eyes. “Ha ha. Ash, Eiji? What’ll you have?”</p><p>“I’ll just have a Budweiser,” Ash says. </p><p>“I will have the same thing,” Eiji says, and Ash picks up on a note of uncertainty in his voice. Eiji didn’t really drink much, he remembers. What’s up with him tonight? </p><p>Sing nods, and they wander off to order drinks. Ash leans back into the leather cushioning, trying to make himself comfortable in what feels like a decidedly uncomfortable environment. It’s a nice bar, he thinks, warm and less “shout over the music” than most other bars he’d been to. The music pulses low in his ears, some sort of soft pop, and there are small groups scattered across furniture, making easy conversation. </p><p>He glances over at Eiji, who looks more than a little ill at ease, and wonders again why Eiji had even suggested coming here in the first place. When he voices this out loud, asking, “Hey, why’d you want to come here? I thought you didn’t really like bars,” Eiji looks surprised. </p><p>“Ah, I just was thinking… I just was thinking it might be fun for everyone,” he says, so quiet Ash barely hears him over the thrum of the music. </p><p>Ash’s eyebrows crease. “Did you think it would be fun for you?” </p><p>Eiji pauses. “Maybe. I was thinking that it might be.” </p><p>Ash looks at him, searching, and his face is bathed in shadows and something gentle, and he forces himself to say something before he stares for too long. “I hope it will be,” he says, which isn’t a good response, but Eiji tilts his head a little and gives him a small smile, and Ash feels something sick in his chest. </p><p>“Ash, I feel like we have not really gotten a chance to talk as much as I thought we would. How have you been, these past few years?” </p><p>The sick feeling in his chest starts to spread. “Good,” he says, because he feels like he should. “I’ve been good. Once I graduated I kind of worked odd jobs until Max hired me around a year ago, which I’m pretty sure was mostly because Shorter kept getting on his ass about it. Other than that, I don’t know. I’ve been alright, I guess.”</p><p>Eiji’s smile falters a little. “Only alright?” </p><p>Ash sighs, feeling guilty, but he doesn’t like lying to Eiji. “I mean, yeah. There are things that could be a lot better, you know? Shorter is kind of the only one I really hang out with on a regular basis, and you’d think that being a journalist would be a great opportunity to meet people, but I just haven’t really met too many people I wanna be around for more than a couple hours at a time. I guess I’m just…” He trails off. </p><p>“Lonely?” Eiji asks, and he looks like he understands, and all Ash can think is that they lost so many years together because of the destruction of their relationship, one they hadn’t even tried to rebuild platonically. They had simply allowed it to wither and die, and the distance had stretched so far Ash had to accept that there would never be a way to cross it again. And now, it seemed like they were. Sort of. </p><p>“Yeah,” Ash says, and he hopes Eiji understands, he hopes Eiji can hear him. They lapse into semi-comfortable silence, both watching as Sing and Yut Lung walk back, drinks in hand, and slide in the booth together. </p><p>Sing and Yut Lung both have bright, neon-colored drinks with sugared rims, and Ash takes a sip of his beer, watching Eiji as he sips his own. Eiji wrinkles his nose at the taste, and swallowing seems like a concentrated effort. Ash snickers. “You should have gotten a cocktail like Sing and Yut Lung. I can get you one, if you want.”</p><p>“Ah… you do not have to do that,” Eiji says, but his eyes are desperate and Ash can’t help but laugh. </p><p>“It’s fine. I’ll take your beer as payment.” He grins at Eiji. </p><p>The rest of the night passes in a warm haze, with Sing and Yut Lung often drifting into their own conversations, and Ash and Eiji are left together, getting tipsier and tipsier. By 9 pm Eiji is giggling at everything Ash says and Ash has his arm draped around Eiji in what he can barely tell is a little more than friendly manner, and oh god, this is so good, this is <em> so good. </em></p><p>His cheeks hurt from smiling so hard at Eiji, whose cheeks are pink, whose eyes look like they’re twinkling in the bar lights, who’s perfect, perfect, perfect. </p><p>Eiji giggles again, and then he asks, “Why have you been staring at me so much?” and Ash’s heart stutters in his chest. </p><p>“Cause you’re pretty,” Ash mumbles, and swallows more beer. </p><p>“I am?” Eiji asks, and his eyes are so open, like they could swallow the universe. Ash nods emphatically. “You’re the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. <em> Ever.” </em></p><p>Eiji blinks. “But…” Eiji lifts his hand to Ash’s face. “But you are the prettiest boy <em> I </em> have ever seen. And you have seen your own face before. So how is that possible?” Eiji touches Ash’s cheek, fingers skating across his skin, and Ash thinks he might die. </p><p>“Are you afraid of me?” Ash whispers. Eiji’s hand is travelling, caressing his cheeks, moving across his jaw, and Ash wants to keep Eiji’s hand there forever, forever. </p><p>“Never,” Eiji whispers back. “Are you afraid of me?”</p><p>“Yes,” Ash says, and then he kisses Eiji, and he wishes he could say it was an accident, that it was the beer, that it was the lights the music anything, anything but him, but Eiji’s lips are so soft and Ash thinks he might have found heaven here, and then all at once it’s over, and it hardly felt like a kiss at all, just a press of lips, but it felt like everything and Ash thinks that maybe he’s just too drunk to think about this. </p><p>Eiji stares at him, eyes open open open and his lips are pink and red but there are noises coming from Yut Lung and Sing’s direction and they’re getting hard to ignore.</p><p>Ash turns to look at them and Sing’s jaw has dropped and Yut Lung gapes, wide-eyed.</p><p>“What the <em> fuck</em>,” Yut Lung says, sounding scandalised.</p><p>“Seconded,” Sing says. “What the hell was that?”</p><p>Ash glares. “Just because you guys don’t wanna make a move yet doesn’t mean I have to follow the same rules.”</p><p>“You’re an idiot,” Yut Lung says, which Ash thinks is unfair. He is <em> not </em> an idiot. </p><p>“And <em> drunk,” </em> Sing says, which is less unfair. He <em> is </em> drunk. </p><p>“Why did you do that?” Eiji says, and he looks lost and vulnerable and Ash is devastated, because he is so gone for Eiji, and he just kissed him while they were drunk in a bar and everything is ruined now. He’s starting to feel sick.</p><p>“Because I wanted to,” Ash says simply.</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Yut Lung mutters. Ash tries to shoot him a glare but accidentally aims it at the bartender across the room. </p><p>“Oh,” Eiji says. “Why?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Ash says, which is only partly a lie. A wave of nausea rolls over him.</p><p>“Oh,” Eiji says again, and then he closes his eyes and slumps against Ash. </p><p>“I’m gonna call them cabs,” Sing says to Yut Lung, and absently, Ash thinks this sounds like a good idea.</p><p>And then he throws up all over himself, and his vision goes black.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>When Ash opens his eyes, he sees a ceiling he doesn’t recognise and he’s in a bed that doesn’t feel like his. His head is pounding, and the morning light is blinding. He screws his eyes shut. What the hell is going on? How did he get here? </p><p>Memories of last night come flooding back, and oh, <em> fuck </em> . All he can remember is Eiji, Eiji, Eiji. His eyes his lips his hands his rose colored cheeks, and <em> fuck </em> Ash had <em> kissed </em>him, what is he going to do? He forces his eyes open and turns over in the bed, and almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Eiji lying next to him, eyes shut, breathing slow and heavy. </p><p>What the hell had <em> happened? </em> Is this Eiji’s apartment? Is he in <em> Eiji’s bed? </em> He leans over to look at the floor by the bed, finding all his clothes in a pile next to it. He’s just wearing boxers. </p><p>Oh, <em> fuck. </em></p><p>For a moment he pauses, not really wanting to wake Eiji up, but ultimately deciding it is in both of their best interests to find out what’s going on before Ash jumps to terrifying conclusions.</p><p>He shakes Eiji awake, and he blinks slowly against the light. “Huh… Ash?”</p><p>“Eiji, is this your apartment?” Ash whispers frantically, wanting answers but knowing Eiji is probably just as hungover as he is. </p><p>“Yes,” Eiji says, sounding groggy and uncertain. “Ash, what are you doing here? Why are you in my bed?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Ash whisper-screams, and Eiji winces. “Sorry, sorry, I’m just as confused as you are. Do you remember what happened last night? I don’t remember anything about how we got here.”</p><p>“I don’t… remember…” Eiji trails off, and then Ash spots a flush creeping up his neck. Oh, <em> fuck. </em> The kiss. He remembers. “Ash…”</p><p>“Yeah?” Ash says, and his throat is raw and it hurts to say and he’s scared.</p><p>“Are you naked?” </p><p>“Wh- No! I still have my boxers on! I, I, I really don’t know how my clothes ended up on the floor, I don’t remember anything about how we got here, I… don’t know what happened once we did,” Ash says miserably, and his face is on fire. Did they actually … ? They couldn’t have. Wouldn’t Ash remember something like that?</p><p>“I… do not remember either,” Eiji says, equally miserably. </p><p>“I don’t - I don’t think anything happened,” Ash says, wondering how this situation can be salvaged. </p><p>“I think I am going to call Yue,” Eiji says, sounding like he’s going to be sick, which would probably hurt Ash a little, but he also feels like he’s going to be sick, and he thinks that’s less to do with the possibility that he and Eiji had sex than last night’s drinking. </p><p>“That sounds like a good idea,” Ash says, feeling bile rise in his throat, and he swallows it down but he doesn’t think it’ll stay there for long. </p><p>Eiji picks up his phone with trembling hands and then he holds it to his ear and Ash hears it ring once, twice, piercing the silence of the room, and then he hears Yut Lung pick up. </p><p>“Yue, can you please tell me why Ash is in my apartment?” Eiji asks, sounding like there will be consequences if he doesn’t get an answer.</p><p>Yut Lung says something Ash can’t make out, and then Eiji’s shoulders drop. “Ah… how come he is in my bed with only underwear?” </p><p>Ash hears a crackling laugh, and then more unintelligible speaking. Eiji’s face sags with relief. “Oh, okay. That is very good to hear. Okay. Yes, thank you very much for taking us back.” </p><p>Yut Lung says more that Ash can’t make out, and then Eiji says, “Okay, thank you for letting me know. Sorry to bother you so early in the morning. Bye-bye,” and then he hangs up. </p><p>Ash looks at him expectantly, and Eiji turns to him. “We both were very drunk and passed out, so they took us to my apartment. They took off our clothes because, ah, you vomited on our clothes and they thought it would be better just to take them off. I do not think anything happened.”</p><p>Ash lets out a breath. “Okay, that’s a relief. I, um, wouldn’t have wanted anything that I couldn’t remember to happen.” <em> Subtle, Ash. </em></p><p>Eiji squints at him, searching, and Ash tenses. He’s not ready to talk about last night he’s not he’s really, really not. </p><p>But Eiji just says, “Neither would I,” which Ash doesn’t know how to interpret.</p><p>Neither would I. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The last interview is a few days later, and it feels … strange. Ash supposes there weren’t necessarily any problems with the interview itself, it’s more that the boy they’re interviewing reminds Ash, unsettlingly, of a younger version of himself. His name is Dylan, and he doesn’t smile, not at all, which Ash once might have interpreted as somewhat rude, but it seems more like he’s afraid of smiling, rather than lacking warmth completely. His eyes feel familiar, and the way he speaks makes him seem almost unnaturally aware of himself, completely lacking both hubris and self-depreciation. </p><p>He answers questions about the future flatly, like he knows what it looks like already, strangely drained of hope. Even Eiji looks at him with sort of an odd look in his eye, a minute shift from his normally bright-eyed gaze, but he takes pictures with the same enthusiasm. He gushes over his skill, which is admittedly rather impressive - he’s been able to jump the highest out of all of their interviewees, graciously accepting their compliments without a trace of abashment, and Ash wonders what he’ll be like when he’s Ash’s age. If he went far with his pole-vaulting, would he bask in the glow of his success, or wish he’d never found it at all? </p><p>So that was the final interview, and what’s left now? Ash and Eiji are still weaving their way through interactions that just barely toe the edge of full-blown awkwardness, somehow avoiding the subject of Ash’s drunken kiss. He’s grateful for that, he really is, but something about the fact that he’ll have to confront it eventually, explain himself … and say what, exactly? Sorry for kissing you, I didn’t mean it? Sorry for kissing you, I was drunk? </p><p>
  <em> Sorry for kissing you, I know you didn’t want me to.  </em>
</p><p>Ash writes the first draft of the article within three hours, with Sing occasionally chipping in with creative ways to incorporate material from their interviews, and Ash feels proud of him. Sing’s internship won’t last forever, and Ash is hoping Sing will end up joining them as a full time employee once it’s over. Based on the way Max keeps giving him approving glances when his back is turned, Ash is fairly confident he will. </p><p>He starts to eit the next day, because he always edits better after a good night’s sleep, and once that’s finished with, he sends the article to Eiji. It’s usually the writer’s job to format, but Ash has found that the photographer can usually make the photos fit in with the article much better than he can.</p><p>He gets the fully formatted article back a few hours later, gives it twice-over, and sends it to Max. He’s nervous, of course, he always is, but the feeling of relief that comes with finally being finished overpowers the anxiety. </p><p>This, of course, is quickly replaced by the sinking feeling that it’s basically <em> over. </em> Which means no more interviews or nights with Eiji, and that means he no longer has an excuse to see him anymore. NYC is a big city, and if Ash had gone three years without seeing Eiji at all, doesn’t that mean that, in theory, he could go another three years, or possibly even more, without ever seeing Eiji?</p><p>(Ash had barely survived the last three, how could he go even longer?)</p><p>The kiss had been a fatal mistake. He should never have gotten drunk that night, he should never have let himself go as much as he did. If he hadn’t kissed Eiji, maybe he would have an easier time letting him go, again. Maybe he could have accepted that some things don’t last forever. </p><p>Maybe, he thinks, but he had kissed Eiji, and now it’s too late. </p><p>He’s not ready to let him go, not yet. Just one more night with him, that’s all he needs. </p><p>He sends Eiji a text: <em> Sent in the article! What do you think about getting dinner to celebrate with Sing and Yut Lung? </em></p><p>He receives a response a few minutes later. <em> Sounds very nice :) Let’s call later to talk more about details ! </em></p><p>Ash smiles. Just one more night. </p><p>That’s all he needs. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Ash thinks that he may have been wrong. </p><p>Eiji is warm in the night. That’s the first thing he notices. </p><p>The second thing he notices is that Sing and Yut Lung are holding hands. </p><p>He gapes. “When did that happen?”</p><p>“A few days ago,” Yut Lung says haughtily, and Ash is beginning to think that “haughty” is the only tone of voice he has. “You see, we’re both mature adults, capable of communicating our feelings to each other while we’re not under the influence, so I’m sure you can imagine why it didn’t take too long.”</p><p>Ash glowers, and Sing elbows Yut Lung. “You don’t have to be so aggressive.”</p><p>“Sorry darling,” Yut Lung says, not sounding sorry at all. “You know I’m easily frustrated by stupidity.” Sing rolls his eyes. </p><p>“Should we go in?” Ash asks, teeth grinding. </p><p>“I certainly didn’t think we had gotten all dressed up just to stand outside a restaurant together,” Yut Lung says drily. </p><p>Ash ignores the impulse to strangle him and walks into the restaurant. “Reservation for Callenreese,” he tells the waitress, and she nods and leads them to a table near the back of the restaurant. </p><p>It’s kind of strange, sitting down with everyone, knowing that this is probably the last time they’ll sit together like this. Is this really the culmination of all their work? </p><p>They order drinks and make light conversation, but Ash drifts in and out of focus, too caught up in wondering if this will really be enough for him. Did he really think that one more night would make everything okay? That he would come away from this and be fine with never seeing Eiji again?</p><p>He’s almost impressed that he managed to convince himself that he would be. </p><p>Without thinking, he asks, “So, Eiji, do you have any jobs lined now that you’re done working on this?” </p><p>Yut Lung glares at him. Ash realises now that he was probably in the middle of speaking, but Eiji has already been startled into answering, and Ash feels a smug satisfaction. </p><p>“Ah, yes! I do not have a lot, but I will be doing one for a wedding in a few weeks, and then a few girls have asked me to take pictures of them. I am thinking I will probably bring Yue along with me for those, because he is very popular with the girls, and they will probably give me a big tip if I bring him along,” Eiji snickers, and then Yut Lung turns his glare on him. </p><p>“Oh?” Sing says, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Yut Lung. “You never told me that.” </p><p>“How the hell was I supposed to tell you that?” Yut Lung asks irritatedly. “Also, Eiji is phrasing it as if they’re all begging to have sex with me, when in reality girls just like me because I am beautiful and gay,” Yut Lung says defensively.</p><p>Ash snorts. “Have you always been like this?”</p><p>“Have I always been like what? Beautiful and gay? No, not really. I was fairly ugly for a few years in middle school, but after high school, I’d say yes,” Yut Lung says. </p><p>“Got it,” Ash says drily. </p><p>The rest of the evening passes with amiable chatter, a few toasts to the story finally being published, and Ash’s not-so-subtle staring at Eiji. He only makes half-hearted attempts to look away when Eiji turns to him, because he almost feels like he deserves to stare at Eiji as much as he wants to, tonight. </p><p>Won’t this be his last chance?</p><p>At the end of the night, Sing and Yut Lung leave together after Sing gives Ash a hug and Yut Lung offers him a stiff handshake and a, “Pleasure working with you.” Ash knows he’s lying through his teeth, but he tightens his grip and smiles widely at him. “Same to you,” he says, and the fact that they’re both very aware that they’re both lying is kind of amusing to him. </p><p>Then Eiji and Ash are left alone, and Ash realises this wasn’t enough. It definitely wasn’t enough. </p><p>“Do you… do you wanna come to my apartment for a while?” Ash asks, frantically trying to think of an explanation as to <em> why </em> he had asked, but coming up with nothing. </p><p>“Why?” Eiji asks, like he really wants to know, not like he’s suspicious, or accusing, but Ash can barely breathe. </p><p>“I…” he trails off. “Just to spend some time together.” He swallows, and it feels like sandpaper. </p><p>Eiji stares at him for a moment, and then he says, “Okay. Show me the way.” </p><p>It’s a twenty minute walk back to his apartment, so they walk. The night air carries a warm breeze, but the sky is grey and starless. Ash looks over at Eiji, and Eiji looks back. </p><p>His eyes are dark, endless. “Ash, do you know this does not have to be the last time we see each other?” </p><p>Ash’s heart stutters. “I... of course I know that. Why are you asking?”</p><p>“All night, you have been acting like you will never see us again. Ash, why do you think that? Why do you think we will just disappear?” Eiji asks, and it hurts, why does it hurt? </p><p>“I don’t think that,” Ash lies. </p><p>“You’re lying,” Eiji says, and Ash exhales.</p><p>“Maybe,” he says, and refuses to elaborate.</p><p>“Please answer my question, Ash.”</p><p>He doesn’t.</p><p>“Ash?”</p><p>“Eiji, I don’t know. I don’t know, okay? Stop asking me.”</p><p>Eiji’s face falls. “Okay.”</p><p>Ash is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “I didn’t see you for three years. Why should I expect that to change just because we made an article together?”</p><p>Eiji sucks in a breath. “Is that not what you wanted?”</p><p>“Eiji, I don’t know if you remember or not - I definitely,<em> definitely </em> do - but <em> you </em> were the one that broke up with <em>me</em>. I would have had you back, Eiji. I would have taken you in any way you could have offered me. Friends, acquaintances, anything. But you didn’t talk to me in the months leading up to your graduation, and you were the one that ended it, so I respected that. I figured that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. But you never did. So what am I supposed to expect, Eiji? A friendship? Because we wrote a story together? You have to be kidding.” Ash is breathing heavy now, voice rough with emotion. </p><p>Eiji looks like he’s breaking. “I thought… it would be better that way. I thought that if we did not spend time together, you would realise that it was not so bad without me. And then, and then maybe later we could find each other again. And then I saw you smile with your new friends when I graduated, and it was such a big smile, Ash. You looked like you were good, good without me, so I thought I should leave you alone.”</p><p>Ash stares at him, uncomprehending. “You thought I was fine because I smiled? Eiji. Are you serious?”</p><p>Eiji’s chin trembles. “Ash, we did not work romantically. I did not want us to fall into that again.”</p><p>“We could have saved something, Eiji. You were my best friend, and then you just… disappeared.” Ash doesn’t look at Eiji, he just keeps walking, but the cool summer night feels more biting than it did before.</p><p>Eiji says nothing for a moment, and then he says, choked, “Ash, you were too much for me. I do not think we were ready to be friends.”</p><p>“Too much?” Ash asks, lost.</p><p>“Ash, I was suffering from depression. I still do, but it is better now. Before, when we were still in a relationship, it felt like I was having to deal with not only my own mental health, but also yours. I know you were not doing it on purpose, Ash, I know,” Eiji says when Ash opens his mouth. “But things were so hard for you with your father. And he hated us so much, Ash. It is so hard for me to cope with being so hated, especially when I have tried to be good and kind for so long. To be near you was emotionally very difficult for me.” </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ash says, eyes stinging, “I didn’t know you were so unhappy.”</p><p>“I know,” Eiji says. “But even though it hurt me, Ash, I still loved you. It was so hard for me to let you go.” </p><p>“I loved you, too,” Ash says, and he knows he still does. </p><p>They arrive at his apartment building, and they go up the elevator in silence. Ash fumbles with his keys when he tries to unlock his door, and when he finally twists the key in the lock, he opens it for Eiji. </p><p>“Um, make yourself comfortable,” Ash says as they walk in, gesturing vaguely at the couches in his living room. “Do you want anything to drink?”</p><p>“I would just like some water, please,” Eiji says, and Ash is relieved they’re not drinking alcohol tonight. It might be easier to talk for a while, but the consequences - well, they’d been through those already. </p><p>He fills two glasses with water, and walks over to the living room, where Eiji is curled into one side of his couch. </p><p>Ash gives him his glass and sits on the other side. </p><p>Eiji looks at him, and Ash stares into his glass. </p><p>“Ash, can I ask you one more question?”</p><p>“Sure,” Ash says, even though he doesn’t think he can handle it. </p><p>“Why did you kiss me?” Ash freezes. </p><p>“Because… because I wanted to,” he whispers. </p><p>Eiji keeps looking at him, and this time Ash looks back. The light feels hot on his face, but he’s pretty sure that might just be him. </p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“I don’t…” <em> know, </em> he finishes silently, but this time he doesn’t want to lie. “I don’t think I ever stopped wanting to.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, and he closes his eyes. </p><p>“Are you afraid of me?” Eiji whispers, and Ash’s eyes snap open. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>Eiji looks at him, his expression set. “Are you afraid of me?” he asks again, louder this time. </p><p>Ash is quiet. “Maybe.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because… because I don’t want you to go. And because of how you make me feel, because of how much, how much power you have over me. It’s hard for me to not be afraid of you sometimes,” Ash says softly. “Don’t you get it?”</p><p>“I do,” Eiji says, and for a moment he’s silent, but then he says, “Kiss me again, Ash.”</p><p>Ash looks at him. “Why?” </p><p>“Because I want you to,” Eiji says simply, and so Ash kisses him. </p><p>It’s nothing. It’s a press of lips in his dimly lit living room, it’s Ash’s hand on Eiji’s neck like it’s a gun and he’s pulling the trigger, it’s Eiji’s chest, warm against his own, it’s Eiji’s pulse, jumping beneath his skin. It’s nothing, but it’s Eiji, so it’s everything.</p><p>Eiji feels like a fever dream, so won’t he be waking up from this soon? Isn’t it past time? </p><p>But it isn’t, it isn’t, his waking is a gasp of air as they break apart and they stare at each other, Eiji’s eyes glistening with a strange brand of sadness, one he doesn’t recognise. </p><p>“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ash asks, and his voice sounds raw. </p><p>“I missed you,” Eiji says. “I missed that.” Ash’s breath catches in his throat. </p><p>“Me too,” Ash says, and they move away from each other. </p><p>“I think I should go home,” Eiji says, and Ash nods.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, and then Eiji is gone.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The next morning is strange. </p><p>Ash wakes up the next morning, unease coating his skin, thick and ugly. For a moment he has to lay there and wonder why he feels so … so <em> wrong</em>, and then it hits him again.</p><p>Eiji. They kissed. <em> Again. </em></p><p>At least this time he hadn’t woken up in Eiji’s bed. Still, he groans, because they had parted on very uncertain terms, and god, why hadn’t Ash just asked him where they stood? What did a kiss mean to Eiji, what did two mean to them both? </p><p>Ash doesn’t know what to think. </p><p>But when he arrives at work a few hours later, he finds an envelope on his desk. He looks at it for a moment, and then he glances questioningly at Sing. Sing looks at him meaningfully. “Yue told me to drop this off at your desk. I think you’re gonna be able to figure out who it’s from pretty quickly.”</p><p>Ash flips the envelope over, and he finds the words <em> For Ash </em>written in small, neat script. </p><p>Eiji’s handwriting.</p><p>He tears the envelope open as gently as possible, but the paper rips, and Ash’s chest tightens. He shakes the envelope’s contents out onto the table and photographs pour out, some floating off of his desk. </p><p>Sing sniffs disapprovingly (Yut Lung is clearly rubbing off on him. Disgusting). “Ash, those were in <em> order. </em> You just messed everything up.”</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. If you’re that torn up about it, put them back in order for me.” </p><p>Sing scowls, but he walks over to Ash's desk and bends over to pick up the photos that have fallen on the floor, and then sweeps up the ones on his desk. He steps away with the photos clasped in his hands, presumably to maintain the surprise of it, and spends the next minute shuffling through the photos, flipping them over, and occasionally <em> Aww </em>s or looks very embarrassed, and then finally hands the photos back to Ash and shuffles back to his desk.</p><p>Ash stares at the photo on the top of the pile. It’s him, looking very intensely somewhere to the right of the camera, the sun slicing into his face. He flips the photo over, and finds more of Eiji’s neat script.</p><p>
  <em> Dear Ash - </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wanted to send you some of the photographs I took during our time together. Many of these I took on my phone, so I am sorry for the bad quality. This one I took of you during our first interview - you were looking so focused hahaha </em>
</p><p>Ash smiles slightly and puts the first photo down on his desk. The next photo is him again, and this time his face fills almost the entire photograph, staring upwards with his mouth slightly open. He looks like he's staring at the sun for the first time.</p><p>The other side of the photo says this: <em> You looked so cute here, Ash, I had to take a photograph. I had already finished taking my photographs of Josh, but you were so captivated you did not even notice haha :D </em></p><p>Ash starts to feel a flush creep up his neck. These photos feel so … real. They feel like him when he’s not aware of himself. </p><p>He puts the second photo on his desk. The third photo is of him and Sing. He’s grinning widely at Sing, who looks like he’s supposed to be saying something very serious, but is failing to keep it that way. There are red lockers behind them, which Ash thinks he remembers from the second interview school. On the back of the photo, Ash just finds this:</p><p>
  <em> I have always thought you have a pretty smile &lt;3 </em>
</p><p>In the fourth picture, he and Yut Lung are glaring at each other from across the bleachers. </p><p>
  <em> (Secretly, I think you have a lot more in common than you think, but it was very funny to watch you both talk to each other) </em>
</p><p>The fifth picture is him, pink and starry in the low light of the bar, very close to the camera. He looks confused, and Ash can almost hear himself asking, <em> What are you doing? Are you taking a picture of me? </em></p><p>Eiji’s note says, <em> You look so nice in this photograph - like you were glowing :) </em></p><p>Ash swallows. </p><p>The next picture is them, Sing, Yut Lung, Eiji, and him, standing together outside of the restaurant. Sing and Yut Lung are grinning at the camera, and Ash is smiling slightly, but Eiji has his arm looped around Ash’s waist and he’s beaming at him, smiling like he’s in love. </p><p>Ash’s breath catches. </p><p><em> I like this photograph </em>is all it says on the back. </p><p>There are more, all of him smiling, staring, laughing, glaring. Each one is accompanied by a note from Eiji, but all Ash can think is that all this time, Eiji was looking. He watched the way the sunlight hit Ash’s face and he thought he would take a photo, because he <em> looked so pretty </em> or because <em> his smile made him happy. </em></p><p>The last photo is an old one, of just him and Eiji. They’re in the NYU library, huddled over a book together, and the grin on his face is so wide and Eiji is blushing and his smile is just as big and <em> god, </em> they look so happy. He remembers this photo, he remembers Shorter giggling across from them and he remembers hearing the click of the shutter. He remembers looking up and asking Shorter if he just took a photo, and he remembers Shorter looking at his phone and giggling even more and saying, <em> Yeah, because you guys looked so cute, </em>and he remembers snatching the phone to look at the photo and Eiji crowding near him to see, and he remembers thinking they do, they do look so cute. </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>God, he misses that so much. </p><p>
  <em> This is my favorite photo of us. There are many times when I have looked at this photo and missed these times. These past few weeks have reminded me of them, so much, but I think we are different now. Better, maybe. Please do not think I will disappear from your life again, Ash. I want to stay for longer this time, if you will have me. If you will not, then - I ask that you remember me, at least. I will remember you, too. </em>
</p><p>Ash’s eyes sting. This is impossible to misinterpret. All this time, when he’d been staring at Eiji, wishing things were different, Eiji had been doing the same thing. Watching, noticing, wishing. </p><p>He drives to Eiji’s studio. Yes, he’s in the middle of a work day, but Sing had given him an approving glance and no one else had seemed to notice he was going. Besides, it’s for a good cause. A good Eiji cause.</p><p>When he arrives, he knocks on the door, and his heart is in his throat. Yut Lung opens it, and when he sees that it’s Ash standing there, he makes a face like he sucked on something sour. Ash glares at him. “Is Eiji here? I wanted to talk to him.” </p><p>“No, he’s not. You can leave now,” Yut Lung says coldly.</p><p>“Yue?” Ash hears Eiji call. “Who is there?” </p><p>Yut Lung glowers at Ash, but he steps aside.</p><p>Eiji’s eyes widen, and Ash swallows and feels his heart slide into his stomach. “Hey,” he says, and feels stupid immediately after.</p><p>But Eiji just says, “Hey,” back and he smiles at Ash like he was hoping he would come. </p><p>“Eiji,” Ash says. “Can I talk to you?”</p><p>“You guys are already talking,” Yut Lung says drily, and Eiji laughs softly.</p><p>“<em>Without </em> him,” Ash clarifies, and Eiji grins.</p><p>“Okay,” he says, and they step out into the hall and shut the door behind them.</p><p>Ash is silent for a moment, and then he says, “Eiji, these past few weeks with you have been so, so good. I always knew I missed you but I don’t think I realised how much. Those photos you sent me were beautiful, and I want to try again, Eiji. I think this time we’ll get it right.”</p><p>Eiji stares at him, just like he was staring at Ash in the photo, and then he says, “I want to try again, too,” and then Ash kisses him.</p><p>This time they’re getting it right.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i did like alll my rambling at the beginning but yeah anyway im gonna say again i love sane so much LMAO the support they have given me has been INCREDIBLE and IM JUST SO IN LOVE WITH ALL THE ART THEY DID !!!! IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY !!!! PLS GO TO THEIR <a href="https://twitter.com/san3sane">TWT</a> AND GIVE THEM SOME LOVE !!!! THEY !!!!! DESERVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!! they're literally the sweetest and kindest person ever so GO say u love them too </p><p>anyway leave a comment and a kudo ! i love yall n feel free to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/grey_x_green">twitter</a> or <a href="https://grey-x-green.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> !!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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